Today, I have been in a vile mood and off my food. Even Mrs Vole noticed and was kind enough to inquire after my health.
‘What the f** is wrong with you, you wee ball of furry g* s*?’
I smiled and replied that I was not so much indisposed as dissatisfied with the quality of my lunch. She laughed in her good natured way and reached for the frying pain.
Feeling nervous, I moved to reassure her swiftly. From under the table I said, ‘I was teasing my Beloved. The louse soufflé was as luscious as ever. Your sharn cocktails have no equal. My problem is this, I have not been noticed by those who matter. No one cares about my jokes.’
‘By whom? I can think of a few people who would be glad if you kept your mouth for good and I know just how they feel’
‘The Scottish Labour Party do not think I am offensive enough to qualify as a Cybernat.’
‘Both of them, what do you care about those insipid, rejected heaps of bonxie dung?’
‘They published a list of the worst Cybernats with pictures of their membership cards and I was not on it!’
‘Awww, you poor dear. I always said you were a useless toad licker. Your humour is so shite you could not even manage to hurt Eggie Morphy’s feelings.’
‘And he is so delicate. I had done my best but they just did not care. I have not even got the heart to try sticking pins into Kezzie Slugdale.’
My beloved patted my paw with her hammer, ‘Did anyone go for Ally Bally C?’
“Just one and all she had done was quote that Burns one’
‘Wee sleekit cowering…?”
‘The one about the Louse’
NO, it was the ‘Parcel of Rogues.’
La Vole looked puzzled ‘And that was meant to be offensive, well.. – we are bought and sold for English gold – Simple statement of fact, I would have thought.’
Keep up with the times dear Prune, they used our money and our oil. They robbed us and only then sold us and besides we say nothing about Mr. Carmichael that he has not said about himself.
‘No dear, no, you must be good. We might be ‘sub joodishe.
‘I wonder who you have to insult to get on that Scottish list?’
‘That’s the problem. The Labour MP has no name recognition and who would give a tory promise for any of their MSPs. And its just not nice to mock the afflicted anymore.’
‘And we must not speak ill of the political dead’
‘Indeed Dear, now could you let go of my whiskers please.’
My beloved immediately set me free as requested and so restored marital harmony to the Burrow.